crossroads.

This is where being a single mom is hard.  I have to be the parent who loves and nurtures as well as the one who lays down the hammer.  Okay maybe not a hammer but a soft mallet.   

So I allowed Carlee to go on a sleepover at someone news house.  I had met the dad on Halloween when the girls were trick-or-treating, but that was the only time.  I see the twin girls at Carlees school every week when I go~so I did know they were good kids.

Age 10 is where you are setting boundaries and finding out how much your child can handle without screwing up.  She knew the rules.  I had packed her back because she was going right after school on friday.  She was supposed to call me before she left school and when she got to the girls dads house.  And she was supposed to be home before noon on Saturday.  Okay she did call at school....I waited for a phone call before I had to go to work that evening...no luck.  I thought maybe she would call while I was at work....no luck.  So after I got off work was too late to call...so I called again in the morning....no luck.  You get worried.

I mean you really cant think of much else in times like these.... did I really know these people. 

So on Saturday I worked a noon to five shift.   Remind you she was supposed to come home before then.  NO LUCK!  Okay I am calling....I call her teacher, because they have a close knit class....she put my mind at ease a bit by telling me what good people they are and they are just having fun.  I go to work....thinking of only this the whole time.  I get off and am calling like crazy now because she still hasn't called.  I have already started calling another parent...during that call she calls...with that soft sweet voice, "mamma."  I'm like "CARLEE YOU KNEW THE RULES YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!"  She explained that Ray (the dad) lives on an Avocado farm in Santa Barbara and they weren't inside most of the day and they were just having the time of their lives.  Ray doesn't have a car. Still no excuse for no call right?  I could hear him in the background saying..."I asked you numberous times if everything was okay."  I speak to Ray for a moment to get directions....he is apologetic...I told him I was on my way.  I pick her up...she automatically grabs my face and kisses me.  He immediately tells me what a considerated nice young lady I have.  He extended the invite for her to come over any time.  I make small talk for a second about what an amazing place he lives....I mean it was on the top of the hills facing Santa Barbara, you could see the whole ocean and the town lit up.  Quite a majestic place.  Anyway I explain to Carlee how I feel when she is away with no call or idea how she is...and how things could have been much easier on the two of us with just a simple phone call.  She didn't say much she just sat there with tears in her eyes...I could see them glistening with each passing car.  She said to me "mommy, I understand why you are upset and I do deserve to be grounded."   AHHHH, heartstrings!   So I have grounded her for the whole month...no sleepovers and no tv.  Her chore list grew quite a bit.  Although this seriously sucked for both of us...I must say it did humble her.  She was getting to a point to where she was thinking that she had to sleepover somewhere, or someone was sleeping at our house every single weekend.  It's hard being 10 I guess.  You always wonder if you did the right thing...

One day on Stewart Ave. May 6, 2000

Today I watched your Aunt Carrie graduate from college.  You hung with our beautiful friend Tara.  I let you run around in our backyard naked.  I can still see the vision of you blowing the dandelion towards me.  I love to watch you run around in your pureness.  Innocent yet so wild. Curious and curiouser, FULL OF LIFE.  Running like a prisoner set free, still so precious.  The way you say momma~ like a chirp from a baby bird.  In every way it means ~I need you mommy~  how wonderful it feels to be needed.  Your kisses have to be the sweetest and not because of the sucker you had moments ago.  But because you put your hands on the side of my head to pull me closer to get the full effect of the kiss.  I love you ~ I need you too.

The heat. written at Jayanns July 2008

The heat.

The sound of grass being mowed.

The faint sound of someone playing violin.

The smell ~ fresh~ because it always rained.  Yesterday.

You can hear the river flowing in all it's beauty and power.

Home ~ or is it?

Definitely a place I know ~ knew ~ 

It will be the place I come back to.

Still work in progress~

Fullest of my heart. (about the way I feel about music)

written March 5, 2009 at 12 pm.

Fullest of my heart, is my appeal~

What a feeling could be more real.

Pulsing beat like a heavy mist~

is one great reason I exist.

Which suits and infects me as a whole~

Its almost taken over the habit of my soul.

It's like a tight coil around my mind~

It soothes and digs down deep just like a vine.

In hardship times has kept me sane~

With strength and wisdom is what I gain.

Forever it will remain to be on of my true loves~

not many things that I hold above.

Sweet fountain of music may you always pour~

Fullest of my heart, I will always adore.

How to write a Biographical Poem.

First name ~Candace

3 Adjectives ~Soulful,  Free spirited, Irresistible 

Sibling of  ~Sibling of a Golden heart named James

lover of ~Lover of many things especially live music, art, people and my girl.

who feels ~Who feels anxious, excitement, tons of emotion, and happiness

who needs ~Who needs patience and devotion

who gives ~Who gives RESPECT and Compassion!

who fears ~Who fears being alone.

who would like to see ~Who would like to see peace and harmony in her heart.

a letter from Alabama.

Like a locomotive wheel

feeling real as steel

Hearts are just bound to break

Well I am off on my way

Rolling night and day

Highways calling my name

You know sometimes~ maybe always

You know sometimes~ I'll be there

Well, I wish that I could say

Wish I could stay

But now Aprils turning to May

If you see me in a while

Thank you for that Smile~

Talking 'bout an ld friend.

'Sometimes'  wsp  Keep on travellin light,  Charley.

that night. 2005

I'll always remember this night so fine.

When we were in the lot enjoying good wine.

Patrick says "it's time for the show."

Aaah not yet, were not ready to go.

Enjoying Talking Heads, singing in the car.   ~Feeling like a star.

Why does it have to be time to go into the bar.

That night and feeling still fresh in my mind,

x-tacy makes my heart intertwine 

with the events taking place.

Make me feel the heat

one day that I know we will repeat.

We're pushing it now lets go dance and have fun~hold my hand we gotta run.

So I grab his hand and hopefully his soul

as this intense feeling is out of control.

Much after is such a blur~

many feelings, emotions, and great music did occur.

The way I will remember you face~ no one could ever replace~

as it comes closer to give me a kiss

a goodbye I sure did miss.

Until next time my sweet Alabama~

enjoy the music and let your spirit soar free~

But please my dear Charley don't forget me~  with love and life!  T-light/Candace

 

                                         

one vast majestic river.

One vast majestic river~

rolls its rapid waves,

bursts and raves.

through the mountains alone~

water is 1/2 its own.

from the secret springs,

with your tribute brings.

whether rain or pain,

you're ceaseless motion,

undying devotion.

oh, that one vast majestic river~~~

"momma can we hear Bob Dylan?"

This is such a special thing that happened between me and my daughter in the white '84 Volvo station wagon at her age 4.  We had months before saw Bob Dylan in Charleston WV with 2 of our dear friends Nikki and Scott.  Mind you she had seen so much music in her day even then, so many diverse bands.  She was Bob Dylan obsessed!!!  OBSESSED!  We listen to him so much in that year and a half after we saw him until I had to get her Dave Grishman and Jerry Garcia ~ Not for kids only, that she quit obsessing. 

 Okay picture this, beautiful country day driving down the road in Fayetteville, all the windows and sun roof open listening to music.  She was in the back with our dog Namaste and you said pretty loudly "Momma, can we hear Bob Dylan?"  In deep thought about something else I said "Sure, right after this song."  Not really paying attention to what she had said.  I heard her but certainly not listening.  A few minutes went by and she said, "Momma, is this Bob Dylan?"  I said "Yeah, hun."  Still not really paying attention.  About 20 seconds went by and she came back with, "MOMMA, you lie this is Jerry!"  The crazy thing was is that is was Jerry, the Jerry Garcia Band which is much different that Grateful Dead.  I was baffled that she at her age could tell the difference between musicians so precisely.  So another couple seconds went by as I sat there in Ahhh, and was thinking to myself why couldn't have anyone else been in the car to hear that.  She comes back with "mamma, NOW will you play Bob Dylan?"  I said "certainly my friend, nothing would make me happier!"   

I mean it is so simple but such a touching most memorable moment in my life just knowing that music is just as important to your child as it is you.  I'm sure I'm not doing everything right as a mother......but somethings I am!

I love you Carlee, Nikki, Namaste, and Smitt!  This one is for all of you!

To sum the last 5 years up...then some.

I have started this blog because my wonderful girlfriend has one, it sparked something in me.  I thought to myself how clever, I mean I write in a journal at least once a week.  Not to mention I am about to embark on another huge journey, another chapter in my book.  I have made 2 huge moves in the last 4 and 1/2 years and my life has changed so much in this time.  I am moving back to square one in a couple months, where I left from~with very little regrets, but big time debts!  

I left quite a simple life in 2005.  I was rafting, substitute teaching, and drinking tons of great wine with my girlfriend Jayann in the beautiful state of West Virginia.  I was making horrible decisions when it came to dating...but I will touch on that another time.  Something has always made my heart want to go west...always.  I had made the decision to go west when I graduated from Marshall in 2001, before my daughter was to start Kindergarten. This was the same time my dad left my mom in complete devastation after a 32 year marriage for someone whom I went to high school with.  Bitch!  I couldn't leave her in that time of need, so that is when I decided to move to Fayetteville and become a river rat.  

I actually found my heart there.  WOW, what an amazing place with people with such a zest for life.  People who love to live and know how to do it right~!  During that time I had put my daughter in a daycare and drove 60 miles back and forth to train on the river in the freezing cold with no pay...what the hell was I thinking?  I must say that I loved it....every second of it.  It fueled something in me that didn't feel legal.

I only worked for the first company for one year...thought I was going to marry this guy.  

Got a job at another company tending bar, started rafting with them and fell in love with the bar owner from Jersey.  Geesh!  Needless to say that was a whirlwind romance that was short lived.  I only worked one whole year and part of the next year for that company and was teaching quite a bit that next year.  I took on a middle school cheerleading squad....GOOD LORD!  These bright eyed brace faced girls that needed me, and I gave in...I was their coach.

The pay sucked for the time and effort I put in, but I must say I learned a lot in the meantime. 

I had finally made the decision to leave....it was a tough one knowing that I had one faithful best friend Jayann...but knew where ever I went she would always be in my life.

I got rid of everything in my 3 bedroom house, heart wrenching, my child was spending the summer with my mom.  So come July 5 of 2005 I took off west with my 2 dogs and whatever I could fit in my jeep, stopped off in Huntington and picked up my brother....straight to see Widespread Panic of course in Lake Tahoe CA.  I was kidnapped by a couple of boys from California we partied unstoppable for a few weeks for sure.  I once again thought I was in love with one of those boys....he actually did come see my several times in Oregon...although the rest of my package which was coming at the end of the summer scared him.  We spent time in Tahoe then San Fran, (where my brother went back) then Chico, Paradise, Monterey, and Big Sur.  AHHHH, sigh!  These are some of my most fond memories....ever!  I then packed the jeep and headed to HOOD RIVER OREGON.  I had a girlfriend that I used to raft with who told me to bring my ass up there that I would love it... I eventually listened.  The absolute most majestic place I have ever been (besides a private hot springs on a mountain besides bid creek bleeding into Big Sur).  I got a job waiting tables and tending bar in the first 24 hours I was there.  I worked for a crooked bitch, but we had lots of fun until I realized that.  Then I started tending bar for the most amazing person and man anyone could ever work for~Gumby!  Oh my goodness, talk about making lots of money and having the greatest time you could ever possibly have at the same time.  That was my experience with River City Saloon.  I can't even got into that too much I just may cry.  It was a year and a half of live music craziness and bliss.

I heart Hood River.  I was just ready to move on and get more education.  I applied to Brooks Institute of Photography...something that I have wanted to do my whole life...why not you know life is just too short.

So in just a few months I packed up the car and moved on down to Santa Barbara.  Oh my freaking are you kidding me, over load!!!  I met 5 cool girls....sweet!  I got an apartment right away...perfect.  But DAMN everything is friggin expensive!  I was gonna live off loans and go from debt free to into a partial lifetime of debt.  SICK!  This will be awesome.  I did nothing but shoot and type papers for almost 15 month...I learned more in that time than ever, I think.   

It all came to a screeching hault when the economy belly flopped and I couldn't get anymore money for loans.  FUCKERS!  So I continued to live in a small beach community that I was in love with and this made me unable to pay my loans....ouch they keep stacking up!  So that brings me to now.  I am still and have been working at a wine bar called Corktree Cellars for almost a year barely making it.  But I live in a bitchin house with a bitchin roommate a few blocks from the beach.....life IS a beach!  So this is when I have made my decision to come back to West Virginia.  I mean you can take the mountain momma out of her homeland but the country roads will take her home. 

Okay this is all I have for now....comment on whatever you like...I can add more to whatever you wish....I jumped around just to get the whole story out...I can get into some serious details.  Enjoy.