Monday, March 9, 2009


This is where being a single mom is hard.  I have to be the parent who loves and nurtures as well as the one who lays down the hammer.  Okay maybe not a hammer but a soft mallet.   
So I allowed Carlee to go on a sleepover at someone news house.  I had met the dad on Halloween when the girls were trick-or-treating, but that was the only time.  I see the twin girls at Carlees school every week when I go~so I did know they were good kids.
Age 10 is where you are setting boundaries and finding out how much your child can handle without screwing up.  She knew the rules.  I had packed her back because she was going right after school on friday.  She was supposed to call me before she left school and when she got to the girls dads house.  And she was supposed to be home before noon on Saturday.  Okay she did call at school....I waited for a phone call before I had to go to work that luck.  I thought maybe she would call while I was at luck.  So after I got off work was too late to I called again in the luck.  You get worried.
I mean you really cant think of much else in times like these.... did I really know these people. 
So on Saturday I worked a noon to five shift.   Remind you she was supposed to come home before then.  NO LUCK!  Okay I am calling....I call her teacher, because they have a close knit class....she put my mind at ease a bit by telling me what good people they are and they are just having fun.  I go to work....thinking of only this the whole time.  I get off and am calling like crazy now because she still hasn't called.  I have already started calling another parent...during that call she calls...with that soft sweet voice, "mamma."  I'm like "CARLEE YOU KNEW THE RULES YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!"  She explained that Ray (the dad) lives on an Avocado farm in Santa Barbara and they weren't inside most of the day and they were just having the time of their lives.  Ray doesn't have a car. Still no excuse for no call right?  I could hear him in the background saying..."I asked you numberous times if everything was okay."  I speak to Ray for a moment to get directions....he is apologetic...I told him I was on my way.  I pick her up...she automatically grabs my face and kisses me.  He immediately tells me what a considerated nice young lady I have.  He extended the invite for her to come over any time.  I make small talk for a second about what an amazing place he lives....I mean it was on the top of the hills facing Santa Barbara, you could see the whole ocean and the town lit up.  Quite a majestic place.  Anyway I explain to Carlee how I feel when she is away with no call or idea how she is...and how things could have been much easier on the two of us with just a simple phone call.  She didn't say much she just sat there with tears in her eyes...I could see them glistening with each passing car.  She said to me "mommy, I understand why you are upset and I do deserve to be grounded."   AHHHH, heartstrings!   So I have grounded her for the whole sleepovers and no tv.  Her chore list grew quite a bit.  Although this seriously sucked for both of us...I must say it did humble her.  She was getting to a point to where she was thinking that she had to sleepover somewhere, or someone was sleeping at our house every single weekend.  It's hard being 10 I guess.  You always wonder if you did the right thing...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One day on Stewart Ave. May 6, 2000

Today I watched your Aunt Carrie graduate from college.  You hung with our beautiful friend Tara.  I let you run around in our backyard naked.  I can still see the vision of you blowing the dandelion towards me.  I love to watch you run around in your pureness.  Innocent yet so wild. Curious and curiouser, FULL OF LIFE.  Running like a prisoner set free, still so precious.  The way you say momma~ like a chirp from a baby bird.  In every way it means ~I need you mommy~  how wonderful it feels to be needed.  Your kisses have to be the sweetest and not because of the sucker you had moments ago.  But because you put your hands on the side of my head to pull me closer to get the full effect of the kiss.  I love you ~ I need you too.

The heat. written at Jayanns July 2008

The heat.
The sound of grass being mowed.
The faint sound of someone playing violin.
The smell ~ fresh~ because it always rained.  Yesterday.
You can hear the river flowing in all it's beauty and power.
Home ~ or is it?
Definitely a place I know ~ knew ~ 
It will be the place I come back to.

Still work in progress~

Fullest of my heart. (about the way I feel about music)

written March 5, 2009 at 12 pm.

Fullest of my heart, is my appeal~
What a feeling could be more real.

Pulsing beat like a heavy mist~
is one great reason I exist.

Which suits and infects me as a whole~
Its almost taken over the habit of my soul.

It's like a tight coil around my mind~
It soothes and digs down deep just like a vine.

In hardship times has kept me sane~
With strength and wisdom is what I gain.

Forever it will remain to be on of my true loves~
not many things that I hold above.

Sweet fountain of music may you always pour~
Fullest of my heart, I will always adore.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How to write a Biographical Poem.

First name ~Candace
3 Adjectives ~Soulful,  Free spirited, Irresistible 
Sibling of  ~Sibling of a Golden heart named James
lover of ~Lover of many things especially live music, art, people and my girl.
who feels ~Who feels anxious, excitement, tons of emotion, and happiness
who needs ~Who needs patience and devotion
who gives ~Who gives RESPECT and Compassion!
who fears ~Who fears being alone.
who would like to see ~Who would like to see peace and harmony in her heart.

a letter from Alabama.

Like a locomotive wheel
feeling real as steel
Hearts are just bound to break
Well I am off on my way
Rolling night and day
Highways calling my name

You know sometimes~ maybe always
You know sometimes~ I'll be there

Well, I wish that I could say
Wish I could stay
But now Aprils turning to May
If you see me in a while
Thank you for that Smile~
Talking 'bout an ld friend.

'Sometimes'  wsp  Keep on travellin light,  Charley.

that night. 2005

I'll always remember this night so fine.
When we were in the lot enjoying good wine.
Patrick says "it's time for the show."
Aaah not yet, were not ready to go.
Enjoying Talking Heads, singing in the car.   ~Feeling like a star.
Why does it have to be time to go into the bar.
That night and feeling still fresh in my mind,
x-tacy makes my heart intertwine 
with the events taking place.
Make me feel the heat
one day that I know we will repeat.
We're pushing it now lets go dance and have fun~hold my hand we gotta run.
So I grab his hand and hopefully his soul
as this intense feeling is out of control.
Much after is such a blur~
many feelings, emotions, and great music did occur.
The way I will remember you face~ no one could ever replace~
as it comes closer to give me a kiss
a goodbye I sure did miss.
Until next time my sweet Alabama~
enjoy the music and let your spirit soar free~
But please my dear Charley don't forget me~  with love and life!  T-light/Candace